The Missed Connection

I have a guilty pleasure…Craigslist Missed Connections. I love them & I read them often out of pure fascination and more often than not the belly laughs and silent judgment that follows.  If you are unfamiliar, Craigslist has personal ad section where people can post seeking out people they met or rather, that they didn’t actually meet in hopes of getting in touch with them. As you can imagine people post all kinds of shit. All kinds OF SHIT.  

A lot of it’s stupid: “I seen you in Wal-Mart shopping for toilet paper” (seriously) or maybe some angry ambiguous song lyrics. Some of them are explicit: and include images and will not be discussed here (but I suggest you check it out).  Some of them are scandalous: “We’re both married, message me here if you can keep it discrete”. But my favorites are the ones that are so ridiculous that I almost pee my pants laughing as I imagine the people who wrote them,  & then every once in a while there is one that is so damn romantic that the sap in me can’t help but believe in the merit of this unusual passive aggressive forum.

 Here are a few recent gems:

Hot Dog- M4W (Near the Bridge)

It's true, gifted you are in more ways than one. You are a true lady with beauty and grace. I too was day dreaming of a kiss upon your lips.

 …it’s all about the title. Marry me.

Dante’s Saturday Night- M4W

I met you at the dance floor at Dante’s Saturday night, you are very beautiful you had glasses. We then sat on the couch and talked for a bit. I couldn't get your number since my phone died. This is a long shot, but its worth a try.

 …ever heard of Ted Bundy?

Milf At Fred Meyer- M4W 26

I'm 26 and was in the mill creek Fred Meyer tonight around 9:00 pm and saw you in the sporting goods department looking at the frisbees. You were in your late 40s early 50s and were wearing a white coat and white capris that were see through. I could see your black thong through them. You weren't thin, but you weren't fat either. Just wanted to let you know that I had to stop myself from getting h**d when I saw you. I know it's a long shot but let me know if you see this.

 …Wow, Thank you SO MUCH.  Could it be love?

Blonde in Counseling Office Tuesday- M4W

You were lying down on the waiting room couch in the counseling office. I walked in wearing a Blue Hawaiian shirt and black slacks

I want to meet you. Please respond back and tell me what you were wearing so I know it was you.

 …sounds promising.

 I poke fun…but I posted a missed connection once.  Really, I did. Albeit drunk and on a whim, but it worked!  Someone knew the person I was posting about got in touch with me and gave me his contact information.  We didn’t get married, but it was pretty cool. The world is small place and technology makes it even smaller. I encourage my friends to write them, why the hell not? It’s better than lamenting over making eyes at someone all night and it never going any farther, am I right? The “What if?” game is no fun. Take a gander sometime, I insist. You’ll see…it’s no biggie and usually quite comical.

 All this reflection about missed connections got me thinking about personal ads.  Let’s talk about those for a minute…if you wrote one, what would it say? Maybe you already have.  ‘Single White Female In Search of the Man of Her Dreams’? Sounds legit right? Sure, if  Ted Bundy  really is your type. As someone who once dabbled in the online dating scene, I think writing a personal ad is a very worthwhile exercise. It doesn't even have to be with the intention of posting it, but just for you.  It is an excellent reminder of who you are and what you stand for.

Who are you really? Long walks on the beach?  Yeah, I enjoy those too if it’s less the than 1/2 a mile and includes a flask and a treat at the end. Puppies, travel, cupcakes these are all things you like…but who are you?

We are our quirks. Plain and simple. AND. If we’re really in search of meaningful connections with other human beings we should probably just let it all hang out from the get-go. We’re so busy image crafting that we are literally missing the connection.  Rather than listing all of our wonderful qualities, the things we like to do, what we’re looking for in someone else, or God forbid making an attempt at an unbiased, in-a-nutshell auto-biography we should probably just cut the shit get down to it…what makes us weird? If we’re  going to be compatible with someone they’re going to find these things out eventually…may as well give them a heads up, & you never know they might just like it. I mean Ice Loves CoCo right?

What it boils down to is this: are they going to be able to put up with your shit?

With this approach in mind my personal ad would look something like this:

'SWF ISO MOHD aka Single White Female in Search of Man of Her Dreams (What? It’s true.)

This is my shit:

 1)      I’m not a morning person.  No need to elaborate.

2) I talk to my animals in a myriad of strange voices that are created uniquely and especially for them.  Very strange voices. Even when they’re not there.

3) If I can get away without wearing a) bra b) makeup c) real pants, I will. & the circumstances in which I require these of myself are on the decline.

4) ‘Hangry’ is a state of being I experience quite often. Just being honest.

5) I like to think of myself as very sweet and thoughtful but it’s not usually the first thing people notice about me…which leads me to my next bullet:

6) I have a condition called Resting Bitch Face. You may have heard of it.

7) I’m an occasional lush. So sue me.

8) I hate feet, they freak me out. Keep them away from me.

9) If someone else is driving, I’m usually nervous. Apparently this annoys people and I should probably mention it.

10) I have a running list of words that I HATE. I can’t explain it. I just do. Top 3) Pus, tender, milky (Gaaaah! Thizz face)'

 

Now…those are just some of the first things that came to mind. I took my self-exploration a bit father and solicited responses from some people that are close to me (“What would you say is my most obvious quirk?”) and these are the response I got:

 “ Your hair. Always has been and always will be.”- Friend of 18 years

“You don’t like dirty feet in your bed”- My Mother

“…and you’re always cruising for a bruising”- My Mother

“Well, that deep-squat-dance you do when you’re drunk is pretty unique”- Friend

“You’re kind of bossy, but I like it”- My Boss

“I’m going to need to think about this. You’re just a really unique and interesting individual. I don’t know where to start.” – Coworker

“The smirk. You make this face especially when you’ve been drinking like you’re up to no good.”- Friend

“ You think you’re really funny. Like really funny. I mean you are, but it’s like you think you’re the funniest ever. It’s hilarious and annoying but mostly hilarious” –other Coworker

“You curse like a sailor. It’s kind of cute but also scary. One minute you’re dropping the F bomb like you like your life depends on it and next you’re all “Oh my goodness that is just so precious”. I don’t know what to do with you.”- Supervisor

“You talk in annoying voice when you meet people. You open every fucking box of crackers in the house and never close them. So they are all stale. You leave hair in the drain. You always leave the cords on the floor so your poor brother always steps on them barefoot” – My poor sweet brother

 

Welp. There you have it. Who are we kidding? We’re not all sunshine and rainbows. We’re real & we’re weird and we’re annoying and we most definitely are not the exception.  If authenticity is something we value and seek then it would only make sense for us to embrace it within ourselves. That sugar coat is going to melt away and eventually we're left with what’s really there, a shit ton of weird.