The Missed Connection

I have a guilty pleasure…Craigslist Missed Connections. I love them & I read them often out of pure fascination and more often than not the belly laughs and silent judgment that follows.  If you are unfamiliar, Craigslist has personal ad section where people can post seeking out people they met or rather, that they didn’t actually meet in hopes of getting in touch with them. As you can imagine people post all kinds of shit. All kinds OF SHIT.  

A lot of it’s stupid: “I seen you in Wal-Mart shopping for toilet paper” (seriously) or maybe some angry ambiguous song lyrics. Some of them are explicit: and include images and will not be discussed here (but I suggest you check it out).  Some of them are scandalous: “We’re both married, message me here if you can keep it discrete”. But my favorites are the ones that are so ridiculous that I almost pee my pants laughing as I imagine the people who wrote them,  & then every once in a while there is one that is so damn romantic that the sap in me can’t help but believe in the merit of this unusual passive aggressive forum.

 Here are a few recent gems:

Hot Dog- M4W (Near the Bridge)

It's true, gifted you are in more ways than one. You are a true lady with beauty and grace. I too was day dreaming of a kiss upon your lips.

 …it’s all about the title. Marry me.

Dante’s Saturday Night- M4W

I met you at the dance floor at Dante’s Saturday night, you are very beautiful you had glasses. We then sat on the couch and talked for a bit. I couldn't get your number since my phone died. This is a long shot, but its worth a try.

 …ever heard of Ted Bundy?

Milf At Fred Meyer- M4W 26

I'm 26 and was in the mill creek Fred Meyer tonight around 9:00 pm and saw you in the sporting goods department looking at the frisbees. You were in your late 40s early 50s and were wearing a white coat and white capris that were see through. I could see your black thong through them. You weren't thin, but you weren't fat either. Just wanted to let you know that I had to stop myself from getting h**d when I saw you. I know it's a long shot but let me know if you see this.

 …Wow, Thank you SO MUCH.  Could it be love?

Blonde in Counseling Office Tuesday- M4W

You were lying down on the waiting room couch in the counseling office. I walked in wearing a Blue Hawaiian shirt and black slacks

I want to meet you. Please respond back and tell me what you were wearing so I know it was you.

 …sounds promising.

 I poke fun…but I posted a missed connection once.  Really, I did. Albeit drunk and on a whim, but it worked!  Someone knew the person I was posting about got in touch with me and gave me his contact information.  We didn’t get married, but it was pretty cool. The world is small place and technology makes it even smaller. I encourage my friends to write them, why the hell not? It’s better than lamenting over making eyes at someone all night and it never going any farther, am I right? The “What if?” game is no fun. Take a gander sometime, I insist. You’ll see…it’s no biggie and usually quite comical.

 All this reflection about missed connections got me thinking about personal ads.  Let’s talk about those for a minute…if you wrote one, what would it say? Maybe you already have.  ‘Single White Female In Search of the Man of Her Dreams’? Sounds legit right? Sure, if  Ted Bundy  really is your type. As someone who once dabbled in the online dating scene, I think writing a personal ad is a very worthwhile exercise. It doesn't even have to be with the intention of posting it, but just for you.  It is an excellent reminder of who you are and what you stand for.

Who are you really? Long walks on the beach?  Yeah, I enjoy those too if it’s less the than 1/2 a mile and includes a flask and a treat at the end. Puppies, travel, cupcakes these are all things you like…but who are you?

We are our quirks. Plain and simple. AND. If we’re really in search of meaningful connections with other human beings we should probably just let it all hang out from the get-go. We’re so busy image crafting that we are literally missing the connection.  Rather than listing all of our wonderful qualities, the things we like to do, what we’re looking for in someone else, or God forbid making an attempt at an unbiased, in-a-nutshell auto-biography we should probably just cut the shit get down to it…what makes us weird? If we’re  going to be compatible with someone they’re going to find these things out eventually…may as well give them a heads up, & you never know they might just like it. I mean Ice Loves CoCo right?

What it boils down to is this: are they going to be able to put up with your shit?

With this approach in mind my personal ad would look something like this:

'SWF ISO MOHD aka Single White Female in Search of Man of Her Dreams (What? It’s true.)

This is my shit:

 1)      I’m not a morning person.  No need to elaborate.

2) I talk to my animals in a myriad of strange voices that are created uniquely and especially for them.  Very strange voices. Even when they’re not there.

3) If I can get away without wearing a) bra b) makeup c) real pants, I will. & the circumstances in which I require these of myself are on the decline.

4) ‘Hangry’ is a state of being I experience quite often. Just being honest.

5) I like to think of myself as very sweet and thoughtful but it’s not usually the first thing people notice about me…which leads me to my next bullet:

6) I have a condition called Resting Bitch Face. You may have heard of it.

7) I’m an occasional lush. So sue me.

8) I hate feet, they freak me out. Keep them away from me.

9) If someone else is driving, I’m usually nervous. Apparently this annoys people and I should probably mention it.

10) I have a running list of words that I HATE. I can’t explain it. I just do. Top 3) Pus, tender, milky (Gaaaah! Thizz face)'

 

Now…those are just some of the first things that came to mind. I took my self-exploration a bit father and solicited responses from some people that are close to me (“What would you say is my most obvious quirk?”) and these are the response I got:

 “ Your hair. Always has been and always will be.”- Friend of 18 years

“You don’t like dirty feet in your bed”- My Mother

“…and you’re always cruising for a bruising”- My Mother

“Well, that deep-squat-dance you do when you’re drunk is pretty unique”- Friend

“You’re kind of bossy, but I like it”- My Boss

“I’m going to need to think about this. You’re just a really unique and interesting individual. I don’t know where to start.” – Coworker

“The smirk. You make this face especially when you’ve been drinking like you’re up to no good.”- Friend

“ You think you’re really funny. Like really funny. I mean you are, but it’s like you think you’re the funniest ever. It’s hilarious and annoying but mostly hilarious” –other Coworker

“You curse like a sailor. It’s kind of cute but also scary. One minute you’re dropping the F bomb like you like your life depends on it and next you’re all “Oh my goodness that is just so precious”. I don’t know what to do with you.”- Supervisor

“You talk in annoying voice when you meet people. You open every fucking box of crackers in the house and never close them. So they are all stale. You leave hair in the drain. You always leave the cords on the floor so your poor brother always steps on them barefoot” – My poor sweet brother

 

Welp. There you have it. Who are we kidding? We’re not all sunshine and rainbows. We’re real & we’re weird and we’re annoying and we most definitely are not the exception.  If authenticity is something we value and seek then it would only make sense for us to embrace it within ourselves. That sugar coat is going to melt away and eventually we're left with what’s really there, a shit ton of weird.

Holding out for 'Plan A'

Alright. Its time. I've been working on this particular post in my head for a couple months now. Seriously. I've been putting it off, and putting it off...worried that I couldn't do it justice, or put into words what I want to say without sounding like a blubbering fool. But just like anything else I've written, blubbering fool or not, I just have to get it out there- speak my truth and share it as coherently or as incoherently as I can manage. So here it goes, bear with me...

I want to talk about a topic that I've titled 'Holding Out for Plan A' and what this means to me. (Annnnd I'm already emotional. Good thing I'm in Starbucks wearing my sunglasses and a hood, not drawing any attention to myself whatsoever, looking very discrete & artistic in the corner;) Ugh. Anyway.

When I say 'Plan A' what I mean in simplest terms is what I really want for my life. Sounds easy right? Wrong. At least not for this girl. This notion requires me to be honest with myself and in that I've realized just how fucking dishonest I've been. If you had asked me two, three, or even ten years ago what I wanted out of life I would have said something like "Well, I'm going to be a wild, liberal, and independent woman who lives in the city, who travels, who probably won't have children, and who sure as hell won't get married, and who devotes her life to ending the suffering of others worldwide, who shaves her head, who has tattoos, and who throws everything into the happiness of others at the expense of herself". Yeah, that sounds noble. "I'll just be a martyr I guess, good on me." HAHAHA. Fuck. I'm am laughing out loud at my own ridiculousness (Now I really look like a lunatic). So melodramatic. Notice how nowhere in any of that did I say "I want"...only that "I'm going to be". What I'm attempting to illustrate here and will probably struggle to explain is...just what kind of place that girl was in. It wasn't a good one, and it certainly wasn't a healthy one. It was a place of resignation. A place of defeat disguised as ambition. A self-fulfilling prophecy. 

I'll start from the beginning. I'm already tearful. I'm tempted to just shut my computer and go about my busy-ness...& save this for another day. BUT I won't. I've already done that too many times. So, like many little kids, I was a bright-eyed, social, and quirky little girl. Sweet, innocent, kind, and trusting. The world was my damn oyster and I was going to do it big. I was going to grow up, fall in love, get married, have babies, and be a mom. Just like my mom. I was going to have horses, and chickens, and puppies and kitties and I was going to live happily ever after. This compelled me, it made me happy, and it gave me purpose even as an itty-bitty thing. I was feisty, free-spirited, and I loved unconditionally, and without question. And then somewhere along the way, due to a number of unfortunate circumstances, painful memories, and repeated heartbreak I gave up on that future. My life wasn't going to look like that. It just wasn't in the cards for this kid. For as long as I can remember, life was painful, people were unkind, they hurt other people, and you couldn't trust them, not even the ones you thought you could...not even the ones whose love and trust was inherent and biological to you. And thus, I devised a 'Plan B' which was as far off from 'Plan A' as I could fathom, because maybe, just maybe, if I went about it right I could have that. It wasn't so bad, I could still be happy. It would just be a different kind of happy...a second rate kind of happy that didn't need anyone else to survive. Albeit a very sad & lonely happy, but that's still happy right? I had myself convinced. 

It makes sense. The defense of all defenses. Untouchable. 

Of course I went into the field I did (Social Work)...thinking if I threw myself into helping others heal that it would somehow heal me and that I could avoid confronting my own demons. I certainly didn't think that it would break me down so far that I wasn't sure I could ever get out of the hole I had dug for myself or the solitary future I was destined for. And I certainly didn't think that it would be exactly what I needed in order to learn how to say "Fuck that." This is not what I want. This is not who I am. I am not broken and IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY. And wouldn't you know, as soon as I started being truly honest and stopped reacting to myself as a broken and fragile person things began to change. Now, I'd be lying if I said that this "come to" was totally self-inspired. I am fortunate to have people in my life that love and care about me and pushed my boundaries when I needed it most (my mother for one)...because I know that big "Fuck Off" on my forehead doesn't exactly make me the most approachable or open person there ever was. But slowly, very slowly, I am learning and changing my reader board...because at the end of the day I'm still that little girl who loves fiercely and believes in the good. 

The last 3 years have been pivotal in my personal development, mostly in that I've gained so much clarity around the meaning I want my life to have, the person that I want to be, and the mom I want to be. Yeah I said it...MOM. I want to be a mom more than anything. And I want to be a fucking good one. (Sorry (not so sorry) I say the F word a lot, it's   therapeutic, try it). For the record, My Plan A includes the following: falling in love, getting married, having babies, being the backbone of a beautiful family, and having horses, and chickens, and puppies and kitties (& retirement, can't forget retirement:) The simple things, that's what lights me up. I'm not even going to defend that, because I don't have to. That's what ambition looks like to me, and it's real as it comes. These are the same things my mom wanted, that her mother wanted, that my 5 year old self wanted, and that my 26 year old self wants. Brutal honesty, and having the right people in my corner has gotten me to this place of hope and reality. I'm still working on it, and probably always will be but I've learned a valuable lesson: The power in taking responsibility for my life is one that cannot be taken from me, or rivaled. I've said it before...I'm not a Plan B girl and while I may have lost sight of that for a good portion of my young life, I see so clearly that it would be silly and unfair of me to give up on Plan A now...& I.Thank.God. for this understanding. 

I'm 26, not 96 for crying out loud...if I'm 96 and still sitting in the corner at Starbucks in my solar shields writing about my hopes and dreams...maybe I'll reevaluate things. Maybe. But until then...I'm holding out for 'Plan A' and like my friend Natasha has always said to me (usually as a result of getting caught in a moment of quirkiness)... "Someday someone is going to love me for that". I believe that.

And someday, someone is going to love YOU for your Plan A, whatever it is, for who you are, and what you stand for. Stop running, stop punishing yourself, & let yourself have the things you really want. It starts with believing that you can and that you deserve them. Cling close to the people and things in your life that put you in touch with your heart of hearts, and let go of what does not.

Don't you dare sell out.

Accountability, what is that anyway?

Accountability & it's root, Integrity,  are values that I feel like I don't see a lot of these days especially from our generation.

What does accountability mean? What does it look like? Why is it important?

It comes down to integrity...which in simplest terms is following through on your word. Doing what you say, when you say you're going to do it. Easy right? Not always. There is no room for excuses in this space. It's black and white. Did you do it? Or not? Did you half ass it? Because kind of being in integrity is like kind of being pregnant. No.

Integrity is a value that many of us strive to embody in our lives but what many of us don't realize is that "re-hashing" the original plan or agreement to accommodate our circumstances is not in fact integrity. It is a cover up and a smokescreen for the fact that we are not actually exercising our integrity, conviction, or commitment. Does that make us bad people? No. But it makes us flawed people. We're not perfect and that means that sometimes we are going to need to re-commit ourselves and our intentions in order to produce on our word. If and when we fail, this warrants a sincere apology and a visible and tangible improvement in our behavior (and by improvement, I mean not letting it happen again). This is the only way to ensure that our relationships are respected and nurtured. We often fail to recognize this and tend to get frustrated that the more often we fail on our word, the less our word means. "What?! That's not fair!" "There was traffic!" "I couldn't help it!" "It was out of my control!" "My sisters best friends dog was sick and I had to help!" Sound familiar? These are called excuses and circumstances, and guess what? They're always going to be there and thus we must learn to anticipate and adapt rather than be the victim when our lives don't go as planned. When does life actually go as planned? You're not 5. You know this is unrealistic so stop acting like you were blindsided and had it not been for reasons #1- 47 you would have delivered. Be honest with yourself and be honest with people you care about, you owe them that. "Hey I'm sorry, being on time is something I really struggle with could you call me and help me stay on track?" or "I want you to know that I tend to over commit myself and I'm working on saying 'no' and it would help me if/when when I decline plans you supported me"..so on so forth. We're human, we're prone to mistakes, imperfection is in our blood so lets embrace our short comings and call it what it is. "Flakey", "unreliable", "not in integrity", "bologna", "something better came along". I know, these are not pleasant descriptions or how we like to think of ourselves, but the good news is we can change it.

Accountability: This is anticipating and taking responsibility for our actions and sometimes this is hard to do without the help of others. Do you have people in your life that call you out on your bullshit? How do you react to that? Oh, you don't have people like that? There's your first clue. You should. How else are you going to be the best version of yourself if you haven't surrounded yourself with people whose opinions you respect even when it's not what you want to hear? It's ok...you failed at something...you flaked out, you were late again, you hurt someone you really care about...that's the pits. Now what? I'll give you a hint it does not involve any of the following: sticking your tail between your legs and sulking, ignoring communication and hoping it just goes away, getting defensive and blaming circumstances....that's not accountability that's called cowardice. Make it right. Apologize. Recommit to your word. Recommit to your relationships. And damn it, do better next time. We all blow it sometimes don't compound the damage by retreating to your hobbit hole. It's going to be ok. Vulnerability, humility, honesty- these are all qualities that are attractive to others and make you a real human being . Don't run from them, call on them. Ask for grace and lose your defenses, you don't need them.

Seek out the people in your life that will hold you to what you say. These are the ones that are in your corner. They don't always tell you what you want to hear...because these are the people that care and coincidentally the ones that will grow you as a person. These are not the ones that encourage poor choices because they're making the same ones, or really don't give a shit because they're too self absorbed. They are not your friends. They are your cop-outs. When you embrace the integrity you know you have and begin to hold yourself accountable you won't need them anymore, and you won't want them either.

One of my mantras this year has and will continue to be:  Stand for myself, my feelings, and my relationships. (& I expect that that won't always be pretty or fun...but it will be true).

A conversation with a friend initially inspired this post and helped me to reflect on the importance of these values. He took a stand for himself and our friendship and called me out on something I had done that both hurt and disappointed him. I was totally caught off guard and sick over how I had made him feel. I was humbled and reassured by his honesty and inspired by his poise and sensitivity. Instead of beating myself up over it and moping around like a POS (which is something I would typically do) I focused my energy on how I was going to make it right and in turn I took a stand for myself and took advantage of an opportunity to show him who I really am and grow our friendship. It was a learning experience and has inspired me to address other opportunities for accountability within myself and others, because don't we all owe that to ourselves and each other? I think so.

...& let's not underestimate the power of "Accountability Partners" as silly as it may sound. I recently gained $40 from a dear friend because we made a commitment not to invest our time in people that we shouldn't...and while I'm sorry for her loss and have empathy for her struggle, I'm $40 richer and we're both a little wiser! ;)

Coffee n Bullshit

... I should have probably just called my blog that^... (wink)

I'm a barista. I work for this little mom & pop kinda shop...the kind you find on every corner in the Pacific Northwest, you may be familiar. I'm also work in a restaurant several nights a week as a server. Anyway...I like my jobs, don't get me wrong. But as with anything customer service & retail related...you can imagine the shenanigans I deal with everyday. I write about these moments often as a coping mechanism as to avoid a complete and utter meltdown...also I hope to inspire those who read my ramblings (may as well call them rants) NOT to be THAT person. It's my perspective. Nothing more, nothing less. If there's one belief I've come to harbor it's that everyone should work in customer service/retail/restaurant at some point during their life. It's f***ing hard, and frustrating, and exhausting...but it's also rewarding in a lot of ways...none of which I'm going to discuss today. Haha. 

 
True to my snarky fashion...allow me to paint a scene:

Yesterday I'm on bar, doing my thang, crankin out some drinks and I get to a latte that indicates (no foam)...so what do I do? 1) I steam extra milk,  2) I let the milk sit for a bit longer so that the foam will separate, 3) I delay pulling the shots to accommodate this, 4) I hold the initial foam back with the spoon, and 5) finally I scoop any remaining off the top (It's all very strategic and somewhat time consuming when you consider you should be producing a drink every 30 seconds)...As I'm doing this and  thinking to myself "Nailed it" this older man practically jumps over the counter as he's watching me and yells: "That's fine! That's fine!" Naturally I'm a little startled so I stop what I'm doing to give him my full, undivided, attention as he proceeds to yell in explanation for everyone to hear, "A little foam is fine! I didn't mean no foam! I just don't want a lot of foam! So remember next time!"...I lid his drink, before I can set it down he grabs it out of my hand & storms off mumbling under his breath. Yeah, you're welcome.

Sigh.

Now...while things like this happen to me ump-teem times a day...I've learned to let it go & shake it off. But one of my favorite things to do is to imagine what I COULD have and SHOULD have said to an adult who has forged their way through life behaving like a 5 year old...

and so...I give you the desires of my heart:

"Oh I'm  sorry, so when you said "no foam" you actually meant 'some foam'? My bad."

"Do you know what a latte IS?"

"So let me get this straight, you think that you're such an exception that the next time I see "no foam" on a any cup I'm going think 'Oh? This might be Frank's, he actually means a little foam' "? Get outta here.

"That was an entertaining little tantrum. Thank you for making an ass of yourself, I didn't even have to lift a finger."

"Yeah, I will remember. I'll remember what a entitled, immature, giant turd you were. Which by the way does not translate to extra time and care on my end."

...It never ceases to amaze me how rude people are to the people making/delivering their consumables? Are you really that dense? Please insult me one more time...it really inspires me to do my best work and deliver my best service:)

Ok, I feel better. Hump Daaaaaaay.

I'm not a morning person

At this point I think it's safe to say that I'm not a morning person. I am frequently reminded of this by family, friends, & peers. And while I don't disagree, I have to ask what's wrong with that? We all have our moments and periods of optimal or shall I say 'enthusiastic functioning'. I know when mine is & it doesn't come before 10 am and some days 10 am is more like noon. Big whoop. I seem to be the only person that doesn't resist this. "You look tired" (I am), "Are you grumpy?" (No, but if you keep asking me that I might be) "What's wrong?" (Well, I just crawled out of my nice, warm, cozy, safe place to be here...to do something that I have to do ie. work, appointments, school...when I'd much rather be sleeping or doing something I want to be doing)...it's really not that complicated...nor is it personal. Get over it. Now I understand how that the tone of this might come off as a little confrontational and that's because due to said resistance I've done my fair share of reflecting, dissecting and blaming myself and I've come to a conclusion that I am satisfied with & it's this simple: I am not a morning person. But let's be clear about whose confronting who.

Maybe you ARE a morning person, you can jump out of bed each day refreshed, chipper, ecstatic to be alive, and chatty as hell;) That's awesome. Really. I'm happy for you, but for some of us this enthusiasm takes a little longer to generate or comes to us at a different time during our day. Do I question that you're an apparent ray of sunshine? Or assume that it's directed at me or a reflection of me? Do I tell you that you need to tone it down because I'm having a hard time understanding or dealing with it? No, I don't. I let you react to life as you choose without feeling like I have to accommodate or mimic it. It's called respecting differences and it makes the world go 'round.

Now I feel like I should clarify. I know the difference between not being a morning person and being a downright asshole. I think we can all agree on that. I'm not talking about being a miserable, angry person and attempting to make everyone else share in my angst. I'm taking about respecting myself and knowing that I need some time to adjust to the world, gather my wits, and get my feet underneath me before I attempt to share who I am with others- which is neither miserable nor angry. What I find increasingly irritating is when I'm not "allowed" to do so. Have you tried approaching me or are you just scared because I'm not smiling from ear to ear and meeting your communication with sheer (albeit feigned) enthusiasm? That's what I thought. Forgive the sincere bluntness of my next statement: THIS IS NOT MY PROBLEM. I will no longer feel sorry about it or be made to feel like I need to change or "work on it". Now, If you find that abrasive, I challenge you to ask yourself why? This might sound harsh, but your need to call me out for not being morning person has more to do with YOU than it does with ME. I've learned to adjust and tolerate your habits in my own way, why am I not allowed this same courtesy? Because it makes you uncomfortable? Sorry, but that's not good enough.

Initially I anticipated that this piece would entail a lengthy description and explanation of why I am the way that I am, the experiences that I believe have led me to my label of "not a morning person" and how I think this is likely to change in the future. But that's not the point. Nor is it any of your business...or probable interest. I don't owe anyone an explanation. The point is that everyone is the way they are for a reason (a lot of reasons). And it isn't up to you or me to decide whether we deem these reasons acceptable causes for habits or character. It's about trusting that just as you have your reasons for being the way you are, so does everyone else and we are connected in this...that despite our understanding or lack thereof we trust in the validity of these experiences. This is called 'benefit of the doubt' and without it we are lost.

We live in a world where we're taught to be agreeable and to accommodate others at the expense of our own wellbeing...and where does that get us? I'll tell you. It gets us to a place of insincerity, inconsistency, fake smiles, small talk, and bullshit. You know what I'm talking about. It's all related. I'm not angry. I don't hate my life or my job. I don't hate you...that is unnecessarily dramatic not mention conceited. It is not your responsibility to take my personal morning development into your own hands and then take it even more personally when it backfires. Relax. Give to people the space to be themselves and in turn give yourself the space to accept it. You never know they might just surprise you. And you might just learn that being withdrawn and introverted is not the same as being grumpy just like smiling and putting on a show isn't the same as being happy. What a concept. Here's another one, I work in customer service & I don't do fake. What I do DO, is respect and honesty. Does it work for everybody? Of course not, but I'm never going to be able to accommodate everyone and neither are you. So honor who you are and stand up for yourself even when its not the popular consensus. Stop resisting, choose yourself. Happy Hump Day:)