Thirty AF

Today is my 30th birthday. Per usual I've got all the feelings about it and the good news is that they are overwhelmingly positive. As someone who is constantly in  a state of thought, reflection, and analysis over-drive, and self-induced "life crisis", I've had exactly a few decades now to evaluate the meaning of life. As it turns out it was most effectively grasped in terms of what it is not. It is not working a job you hate that sucks the life out of you. It is not dating someone who doesn't lift you up and inspire you to be your best self. It is not choosing the path that makes your parents and grandparents most comfortable. Simply put it is  not nor will it ever be anything that someone or something else tells you it should be. It won't look the way you imagined. And certainly isn't going to find you, look you in the eye and reveal itself in a magnificent display of clarity and confetti.  Meaning, purpose, and joy are inevitably different for each of us. Anyone who tells you otherwise is full of shit (and likely just  trying to justify their own disenchantment to themselves ).  

The common underlying thread remains: we are all just trying to figure out how to love, be loved and not royally fuck it all up. 

I'm no guru, I don't have all the answers,  but I am a well-intentioned soul with some opinionated opinions. I can tell you light-heartedly and with certainty that none of us have a damn clue what we're doing- we just cross our fingers and fumble around hoping that we're doing it right. Basically we are just high-school boys trying to figure out how to remove a bra from a force of nature we don't understand and probably never will. What a metaphor. 

I spent the better part of my 20's struggling to convince myself that I shouldn't be struggling. All for reasons that are still unknown to me. My third decade was  wild with adventure, emotion, stupidity, wisdom, confusion, insecurity, heartbreak and yet it was also brimming with wonder, gratitude, and  fulfillment of a powerful kind.  Truthfully it has been a downright cluster-fuck of a decade- and it was bloody awesome. (Literally, it was bloody.) To want to change the course of this invaluable time would be a insult to the Universe not to mention all the people along the way who have told me what I "ought" to be doing or not doing. To the Universe, I would like to declare a heart-felt THANK YOU. Thank you for sticking with me, for the lessons, the joy, the grief, the growth, and the uncertainty of it all.  I am better, stronger, wiser, "bat-shittier" and more open-hearted for it and than I ever thought possible.  (& To the afore mentioned population kindly, fuck off and hoe your own row. If I end up in selling drugs from a van by the river then yeah, maybe send some advice my way or probably just a straight-jacket). BUT really, thank you to you too, for it has been you who have truly shown me who I am and what I stand for in this world. 

In celebration of my 30th year on this planet I have compiled a list of Dirty Thirty Revelations- things that I had to experience in order to understand and appreciate. Eat your heart Donald Trump. To the rest of you, stay true & always march to the beat of your own percussion instrument.

30 Progressive Revelations n' Bullshit 

Inspired and written by Lindsey Nicole Hayes

1) If I can get away with wearing a sports bra. I'm going to do it. No bra? I'm definitely going to do it. Let freedom ring.

2) A hangover post 25 is a 48 hour time commitment and self loathing ritual. The new Netflix & Chill, I call it.

3) The term FOMO seems to be floating around the last few years- The Fear of Missing Out...I've rarely related to this. In fact I've developed my own acronym in lieu of this: JOMO- the Joy of Missing Out. A 4 day EDM Festival on a cruise ship? Polar bear plunge? Watching the Star Wars trilogy? I really cannot think of anything I'd like to do less besides maybe get a pap smear whilst brutally hungover and menstruating - Memoir of a Gheisha. Jk, just a chronicle from my life.

4) Do you have a mother? A wife?A  sister? A daughter? You are a feminist by association.

5) I don't owe you or anyone a smile. I'll smile if I feel like it. In fact, I do it a lot.

6) There are few things more cathartic than a a good cry, a good poop, or a good orgasm. Make time for all three, just maybe not at the same time. 

7) I don't need to own something to feel like I have my shit together. It's not going to change the fact I will never "have my shit" together by conventional societal standards. *I'm a rebel just for kicks now*

8) I try not to be judgemental but if you don't scrape and/or brush your tongue this needs to be addressed immediately. The halitosis epidemic  has got me feelign agoraphobic AF.

9) In my 20's it was fun to talk about sex. In my 30's it will still be fun to talk about sex. 

10) The difference between a boy and a man is how he treats a woman...and period sex. I told you it was bloody. I really hope my Mom doesn't read this...

11) Stress stinks. Antiperspirant will kill you. 

12) At this point we all know "you are what you eat"...you are also whatever you allow to permeate your physical space. You are who you surround yourself with, what you listen to, follow, indulge in, who you sleep with, what you give your time to, it's all energy and it's meant to be honored. Our magnetic force field is a temple ya hear.

13) If you want to get your nipples pierced. Get your damn nipples pierced. Love your body and what it's capable of. You only get 1. Decorate it if it suits you. But know that it will hurt like a sonofabitch. 

14) Everyone has HPV,  Where's my #TRIBE at?

15) You do not need to wash your hair everyday. I repeat, you do not need to wash your hair everyday.

16) Social media is still a slippery slope. Hell, being social is a slippery sloap. Tread carefully.

17) Squatty Potty's are the truth. Not a believer? Take 'er for a spin and get back to me.

18) Teach yourself how to budget. And do it in a way that empowers you.

19) It's ok to tell people that you don't like them. It might even be theraputic for both of you.

20) The FDA will lead you astray. So will Fox News...or any news/media. Take it with a grain of salt. You have a brain, use it.

21) I don't care who you are or how important you think you are, if you have a co-dependent relationship with your phone that takes priority over face to face communication this is grounds for forceful removal of said device. 

22) You are whole all by yourself. To think otherwise is to deny your magic.

23) I believe that things come full-circle, what often seems unbearable, frustrating, or confusing  is strategically shaping the person you're meant to be. 

24) You can change the trajectory of your life at any point. You are not stuck. If you think you are, remeber that your thoughts create your reality.

25) Trust your instincts at all costs. You can be glad you did or sorry you didn't.

26) Wearing lipstick above or outside your lip line is completely unceccesary. Can we be done with this please? Damnit, Kylie.

27) Time is the most precious thing you have. Don't give it to anyone or anthing that doesn't deserve it. And if you do, for the love of RayJ, don't do it again.

28) You are solely responsible for your own health, wealth, and happiness. And how you define these things are also up to you alone.

29) Never underestimate the gift of an apology. Clean up your side of the street, let you soul rest easy and your heart be full. Most of us deserve that. 

30) Celebrate yourself on your birthday. And everyday. There ain't nothin wrong with paying a little homage to the human you are becoming.

Cheer's to the next 30 years. I can't wait to write one of these when I'm 60. I imagine it will go something like this:

1) Where are my reader's?

2) My 50's were a total clusterfuck.

3) I've really got my shit together now. Whew!

4) Sike! I absolutely do not.

5) These nipple piercings are still lit.

6) Hemorrhoids really are a thing.

TBC.