"I want to write stories that make people feel less alone than I did. I want to write stories that make people laugh about the things in life that are painful."- HBO GIRLS
In Defense of Being Sensitive AF 2.0
(A persuasive rant)
Thanks for stopping by. On this particularly fine day I'd like to talk about what it means to be sensitive. Sensitive AF as the millennials might say (and me- I sometimes talk like this). I'd like to discuss how our society's view of this quality is misguided and outdated (As Fuck). AND for good measure I'll throw in why I'm in constant cahoots about this incongruity. Spoiler alert, it probably has something to do with me being sensitive.
Cliff note: I've also been blessed with the affliction of extreme sarcasm, just wanted to be transparent about that. If sarcasm isn't your thing probably don't read this. Also, I swear a lot. No apologies.
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If I had a dollar for every time I heard: "Oh Lindsey, you're too sensitive", "relax", "You're over-reacting", "It's not worth getting upset over"- I'd have paid off my student loans by now. But alas money does not grow on jabs. Also,who said I was upset? I was just sharing my fee- I didn't even raise my voi-
{{Now when I say "sensitive" this is not to be synonymous with easily-offended. That's actually just called "easily-offended" which I can assure you I am not (unless we're talking about human rights or animal suffering, then yeah, I be pissed). Point being, your girl can take a joke.}}
I digress...
I can't even begin to count the times I've been made fun of, shushed, or simply and overtly dismissed for "having feelings". It troubles me. Hence this post.
FEELINGS?! Oh shit, run for the hills! Don't grab your shoes or nothin', Jesus!
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I'd like to propose an alternative hypothesis: If my sensitive nature makes you so uncomfortable that you feel both entitled and/or inclined to suggest that I censor my emotions and reign it in for the sake of your experience
you
might
just
be
an
asshole.
...a scared little asshole, but still an asshole.
Yes, I know it's hard to hear.
I'm here for you.
All levity aside, what makes you so sure you're the winning combination of emotion and composure? Let's not carried away.
It has been suggested to me a time or two that I lean fairly heavily towards one end of the emotional spectrum. BUT I'd like to point out that while you may tease me or my fellow "Sensies" about this, I/we are also the same people that you seek when you need a soft place to rest your ragged heart. It's the other side of the same coin, genius. Maybe you could hurt to be a little more sensitive, a little more empathetic, a little more gentle... with your love, your effort, your words, your presence. But you're right, it's much easier to point out these qualities in someone else as if they are flaws. I'm not sure when flaws became collapsed with strengths but I didn't get the memo. I was probably too busy airing my feelings in my diary and ugly crying.
So, I'm a little hostile. The reality of it is, I'm just tired. Tired of defending something that I have worked hard to embrace about myself, something that I take pride in. I'm also tired for my cherished friends, my twin flames, who find themselves in constant defense of who they fundamentally are. It's down right exhausting. Softness is all too rare in this impersonal and virtual time I'm not sure why anyone would want to stifle it any further. At the end of the day I find affability to be the most refreshing and comforting quality in another human being. Most of us do. I'm not going to claim to feel any more deeply than the next person- that would be arrogant and self-involved (AF) but I AM going to claim that I portray these feelings more tangibly than most and I'm damn proud of that. 5 years ago that wasn't case. A year ago this wasn't the case and for me, that is both precious and priceless. Precious because it represents my growth. Priceless because it is authentic, raw, and one of my best qualities (aside from my winning sense of humor).
Exuding sensitivity may be a natural proclivity for some but cultivating acceptance of this within yourself is hard fucking work. I know because I've always had a soft heart- but for a long time it beat quiet (Yes, that was a Chris Brown lyric. Thank you for noticing). Translation, I haven't always been open about my softness- it's taken me the better part of 29 years to get here and I'm still chipping away at the ole block. How else do you think I perfected this resting-bitch-face? It's not just good genes folks, my RBF is a souvenir from the life of young girl whose pain had no where else to go and that for years lacked the tools to express it. It has been expertly designed and carefully crafted to keep people at a distance. That's the truth, sad as it is.
...And then it kind of just got stuck like this.
When did soft become a bad thing? Soft skin, soft hair, a soft touch those are all great, but a soft heart? Hmmm, nope that's too far. Over the top", "Extra". Welp, it's all a part of the package, baby. We are the people whose energies are expected, depleted, and then depleted some more. And then this same energy is built back up by our own fortitude and strength. Weakness is not part of the equation. It never was. We accept YOU-in all your harshness, in all your ruggedness, in all of your projecting ways, and it is our sensitivity and grace that permits us to do so.
Ultimately what I'm getting at is this: Allowing yourself to be truly seen in all your vulnerability gives others the opportunity to do the same. It gives us the opportunity for connection, acceptance, and empowerment. Vulnerability is a gift- when you give yourself permission to be authentically yourself feelings and all, you give others the permission to do the same- AND THAT is one of the most generous things you can do for someone else. It's powerful & it's something that I'm committed to being a part of. Vulnerability is the big spoon ya'all- it draws others to us, and us to them in a cyclical and beautiful embrace.
I'm simply calling for a little r-e-s-p-e-c-t
- --A bit of regard for what you are gaining from someone that brings this tenderness to the table- not what you seem think you're tolerating. That's horse shit. You know it, I know it, we all know it. You don't get to take advantage of the welcome, the warmth, the strength and then turn it off when it makes you uncomfortable. "Too much", "too sensitive", "hysterical", these are nothing more than cop-outs. We're talking about feelings not the fucking apocalypse, you turd. Sure, I might cry when you say something that hurts my feelings or fired up when something else you say strikes a nerve. So what. I won't apologize. And I don't regret it. Open your heart. Open your mind. (Hell, if you're only intention is to have better sex....then do it for that and get down tonight). Life is short. Let me say that again: LIFE IS SHORT.
I have weighed the options and I choose to let others see my sensitivities. Maybe you aren't the kind of person that wears their emotions on their sleeve- nobody's asking you to be but please, for crying out loud, LIVE AND LET LIVE. It takes all kinds to make this crazy world go 'round. When I have children, I want them to live in a world where they are loved and embraced for who they are: extroverted or introverted, TMI or reserved, expressive or seemingly aloof. Actually, I wouldn't mind living in this world myself. I won't settle for less. You shouldn't either. We're all sensitive on one level or another, it's simply a matter of whether or not we let our vulnerabilities be seen- which should be neither an issue of strength or status.
A "tough nut to crack" is only worth it because what's on the inside is inevitably softer, more pleasant, more flavorful. Nobody wants to eat shells- that shit will fuck you up. Just ask the dog. Being "hard" will only get you so far. It keeps you removed from others, isolated, a 1 man (or woman) island. "Safe" yet starving for connection. To bare your soul is to be brave- to let it all hang out- to stop trying to control the outcome- to just let yourself be in the moment, therein lies the true achievement. Tender is to be tough. Compassion is to be courageous. Sensitive AND strong not one OR the other dag nabbit! These words are not mutually exclusive, they are equal and they exist in symbiotic harmony in many of us. So, little squirrel, you decide: do you want the nut or the shell? (insert "deez nutz" joke). ((I couldn't help myself)).
I have a friend that I made early on in my formidable years also known as freshman year of college who to this day is one of the most sensitive, vulnerable, and compassionate women I know. At first her ways were so foreign. She was always crying. If she was sad, she cried, if she was happy, she cried, if she was angry, she cried, if it was beautiful she cried, if it wasn't beautiful she also cried. I had no idea how to react to this strange emotional being who had all the feels ALL THE TIME. BUT I also had never had a friend that had so instantly given me sanctuary that my heart needed. Badly. The Universe has a gorgeous way of delivering what you need if you are open and willing to let it in. It brought me to her and her to me- to teach me. To grow me. When my soul was desperate and broken. Developing a friendship with her has allowed me to step into who I am supposed to be. And I am SO. FUCKING. THANKFUL. Now we cry together, hell, I probably cry more and we laugh at how "soft" and sappy I've become. And then I cry some more because I am FREE. Something I never saw for myself in this life. To be free, that's all I really want for anyone. Why wouldn't that shit bring me to tears? Even as I write this, my eyes and my heart are full and that is something I will forever celebrate.
I cry a lot these days, and yet I've never been happier. I know that this not a coincidence of ironic circumstance- but rather a testament to who I am becoming. So if you're not the "sensitive type" next time you're in the presence of someone who is- don't shame them, don't turn away, LEAN IN. Witness us for the organic and brave souls that we are and see what we've made available to you. You might just be surprised.
Thank you.
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Since we're being honest, I've had this piece written for almost a month now. I've been sitting on it for no other reason than being vulnerable and sharing yourself is pants-shitting scary. I let the opinions of the less emotionally evolved get to me. To scare me back into my shell- I almost believed it. BUT no one is better or stronger for my lack of sharing. I will not censor who I am, the work I've done, the realness I've cultivated, the tenderness I that I let the world see. I choose and will choose again to share myself openly- for my own healing and maybe yours. It is exhilarating, exhausting, and inspiring and truth be told I stopped giving a shit a long time ago. So fuck it. There it is. Eat your heart out, eat me alive. That's not the point.
Let freedom ring.
That's the goddamn point.
