What a fun topic, ya? I thought so too. So fun in fact that I've been thinking about writing about it for a while now. What does it mean to be lonely? What does it feel like? Never mind, we all know that. But what can we do about it?
I'm going to try out a little theory here...
(AND I just spilled red wine down yet another sweatshirt. Fucking fabulous...one sec).
Ok, I'm back. I didn't do anything about the soon-to-be-stain, but I did get more wine. Now, where was I? Loneliness....Oh lordy, better run before it catches it you! Oh! Too slow, Joe. What I'd like for you to "try on" if you're reading this is that loneliness is a feeling that our generation and people in general desperately try to cover up. We compensate for it so much that we never really let ourselves feel it. Instead we distract ourselves with the next best instantly gratifying thing in hopes of forgetting our feelings. Money, work/career, status, sex, relationships, alcohol, drugs, food, Facebook, Tinder, you get the idea.
That being said...
Close your eyes and raise your hand if you've felt lonely before? No peeking. It's unanimous we've all been there. It's a human condition, it comes and it goes, and it has the power to motivate us to make a variety of equally powerful decisions. What if instead of doing something like going out, drinking ourselves silly, and taking home whom ever we can we actually acknowledged our feelings and simply said to ourselves, "Self, I'm feeling lonely, how can I ease this discomfort healthily?" What if instead of bragging out about how great our lives are to anyone within earshot and over and over and posting bullshit projections on social media we said, "How can I channel this negative energy productively and into something that will better my well being?" Now that's a fucking concept. Sounds scary...but we all know even if we don't want to admit it, that the worst loneliness is the aftermath of decisions made out of loneliness. Preach it baby.
I promised myself a long time ago that I would not base or make decisions on feelings of loneliness (So what if I was 13 and at church camp). This is called desperation and leads to... you guessed it, more loneliness. I've had to renew my promise to myself a few times over the years because I'm no saint. I've faltered in this department a number of times, and I can tell you that in those times that the collateral damage was sobering. Literally.
To be in the presence of oneself is the greatest company. I believe that. Which is probably why at (almost) 27 I decided to come home from work and enjoy my Chipotle and wine. Alone. And invest my energy in something I enjoy, that makes me feel alive, and hopefully contributes to something/someone other than my myself - writing. So HERE I GO AGAIN. (That was a Mario reference for anyone who missed that. Circa 2005).
I'm someone who has spent most of my life alone, without a "somebody" if you will, and I can say that because that's how I've felt. Sometimes in conversation I refer to myself as the "lone little she wolf" in the spirit of poking fun at my own "situation". From a very young age I've known what its like to feel the pang of despair deep in my stomach that comes from feeling entirely and utterly alone and the fear of thinking it may never end. It's devastating. There's no way around it. It sucks just as bad as they say it does.
When I refer to being "alone" I'm not necessarily referring to the lack of a romantic relationship...although it can definitely be that too. Many of us are well aware that we feel lonely not just outside of relationships but also within them- romantic, familial, friendly, professional- this beast knows no boundaries. My loneliness is no different than anyone else's- it bonds us. But I'll tell you what, I'd rather be alone in my own bed-diagonal and clutching myself at the end of the night than "alone" and in bed with someone else. You know what I'm talking about.
If we're getting into it, romantic relationships haven't exactly been my forte. Anyone who knows me can tell you that. Sigh. While it's not necessarily how I hoped things would go I will say that as a result I learned to be very independent early on. I didn't really have a choice when I was little kid and felt this way. As an adult immersed in the dating scene, I strangely find myself choosing it (being alone) over the alternative (settling). But let me say that independent does not mean void of loneliness. No, it definitely does not. As someone who, when it comes to romance, constantly finds themselves in state of "Single-dom" I've had some time to evaluate this topic. A lot of fucking time:)
I date. A lot. Probably more than most people I know. It's sometimes fun, it's definitely a learning experience, but mostly it's exhausting and lonely despite what they tell you. A true "serial dater"- not exactly a label I'm proud of and certainly not what I'm going for it just seems to be happening that way, for now. My mom asked me the other day a midst a brief and exasperated chuckle:
"So who are you dating now?, I can't keep it straight".
Jesus, Mother. When you put it like that...insert grumpy cat face.
She has a point...and it's funny. Sort of. The struggle is real you guys and some of us are just out here "tryna function". Mostly me. But back to the point, I consider myself a strong and confident person, comfortable with where I'm at, open to experience, and along for the ride...that being said when people my age are confronted by my "alternative" mindset I am often asked "Aren't you lonely?" ....Um yes. Sometimes. Of course I fucking am. I'm not a robot. But I also know in that settling isn't going to keep me from feeling lonely- it may prolong it, but it'll be right there waiting on the other side when that instant gratification disappears- and it's a worse kind of lonely...a meaner one. A cruel one.
The moment you give up on the belief that you can have everything you want out of life is the moment you resign yourself to the greatest loneliness. Emptiness. Don't give yourself away. Not for free and not to someone, anyone who doesn't deserve you. And if you've already done that...recommit to something different. It's that simple.
So what do we do with these feelings? Oh God, feeeeeeelings. Do we give in? Damn it all to hell? Nah, who wants to live like that? I truly to believe that in order to appreciate connection we must experience loneliness fully. Like fully fully. And periodically, as shitty as it is. As in make yourself sit with it. By yourself. As in not with anyone else. Suffer a little, or a lot. Emotional squats. That's a great analogy, go me. Most people hate leg days, and most of us would rather skip out on those grueling emotional work outs too. Doing the work is not fun. The purpose is the consistent lesson that you will survive it, you will come out on the other side...tonight...and tomorrow...and time and time again in the future, and you'll have the muscle to show for it. Emotionally...and if not that, then at least you'll have a booty. This serves as the sincerest of reminders not to take what is precious for granted. In letting yourself feel this vulnerability the pay off is that you gain an unbreakable strength and knowledge that feeling lonely isn't the end of world but rather a necessity to appreciate it. & This too shall pass.
I'd also like to add that loneliness can also happen as a result of feelings left unexpressed. Bottled up is a lonely place, I know this first hand. Don't like how it feels? "Be who you are, say what you feel. Because those that matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter"- Dr. Seuss aka...Buddha reincarnate. Enough on that.
A good friend of mine wrote a piece that she titled "The Lonely Monster" and she makes what I feel is a very valid suggestion, "Try feeling the pain of loneliness for the night- alone". (N. J., http://www.thechiccurve.com/2014/02/26/the-loneliness-monster/). Let yourself feel it. Feel it all. Scream, cry if you need to. Hug yourself, hug your pillow, catch your breath. Nobody is going to catch it for you. Yep, it sucks. It hurts like hell. But rather than look for a way out, a quick fix, maybe consider "What can I create with this energy?" "How can I propel myself forward...instead of backwards or sideways?" You never know, maybe- just maybe you'll learn to value and appreciate your own company in all it's glory and solitude. I did.
The harsh reality of life is that someone isn't ALWAYS going to be there to make you feel better, to make you feel whole, to hold you and tell you it's going to be alright- it is your responsibility to generate this capacity within yourself and when you do, gift what you can of it to others.
Despite my mother's sarcasm towards to my dating endeavors her advice to me has always been "Don't ever settle." AND if she can go through a divorce, listen to me piss and moan about all the bros and douche bags that I've been blessed enough to encounter, and still laugh and tell me with conviction not to compromise, I'm sure as hell gonna take her word for it. Because my mother is a pistol and I do what she says because when she's mad it scares me, so help me God.\
That's all I've got.
& because I'm not above cliches, some nuggets of wisdom:
"All man's miseries derive from not being able to sit quietly in a room alone." -Blaise Pascal
"If you're lonely when you're alone, you're in bad company."-Jean Paul Sarte
"Solitude is the great teacher, and to learn it's lessons, you must pay attention to it." -Deepak Chopra
"The more powerful and original a mind, the more it will incline towards the religion of solitude."
-Aldous Huxley
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