Okayyyy,
Per usual I haven’t written in what feels like decades. & I’ve finally figured out what continues to stop me. I’m a perfectionist and a brat. Through and through. Shocking right? Or hardly. For every piece I’ve posted I probably have 10 started, un-shared, maybe unfinished works sitting in my inbox/saved & floating in the ether. I’ve always struggled with self- expression. I’ll spare you my theories on why (in this one at least)...but bottom line- I'm rigid and hard on myself AF. If I can’t or don’t know how to say things in EXACTLY the way I want, I just don’t. If I don’t have time to edit- or God forbid If I’ve had a glass of wine (or 3) before putting pen to paper or fingers to keyboard I second guess myself...I re-read what I’ve written over and over and inevitably conclude that what I have to offer...is 1 of 3 things: 1) not enough, 2) not cohesive 3) too much. Now while those descriptions might be true- that's not the point- and ultimately they are bullshit excuses not to put myself and my energy out and into the world. IF I were my own friend I would tell myself to get the fuck over it and put my big girl britches on. I find so much value in what others write and share- the unedited versions most of all- why don’t I give myself the same grace? I need to. For my sanity.
So. On that note. I have devised a plan/exercise to cure myself of this self-destructive habit of withholding myself and what I have to say. It goes as follows: Once a week I will “write” uninterrupted for 45 min- to 1 hour. I won’t edit, re-read, go-back, or delete anything outside of that time frame. The intention is to share raw, authentic, and uncensored snapshots of myself within a medium that I love and that brings me joy. So here we fucking go. Maybe it’s a journal- maybe it’s not. I can’t answer that just yet...maybe ever. There will be typos, incomplete sentences, and MLA format is just out the window. There will be tears, and laughter, and dicussions of biologicals because I can’t resist an inappropriate joke on a silver platter. I've never ascribed to convention anyway.
This week, things that have weighed in on the forefront for me are (Aside from the political, cultural, natural disasters, & health/wellness spheres, bc I just can’t go there at the moment, and I need peace in my life not a Gddamn anneurism): Anyway, ahem:
In no particular order,
Friendship
Intimate Relationships
Work Life Balance
On friendship (30 min to go, a reminder to myself not to fall into a black-hole tangent): We all deserve to have our needs met on this plane. For me, I have many friends who fulfill different aspects of what a “best friend” embodies. I don’t believe and highly doubt that 1 person is capable of being a “best friend” at least not infinitely- that's a recipe for disappointment and unfulfilled expectations if you ask me, not to mention a limiting belief. In a world full of amazing and fascinating human beings why select only one to put all your faith and stability in- human beings are flawed and so is our judgement at times. The past few years I have been diligently re-evaluating my close friendships and asked myself the tough questions: Does this person add value? Do they meet my needs or a critical need? Can I meet theirs? Do I feel energized and positive after spending time with them or downtrodden and drained? If you find yourself on the fence about certain people- these answers can smack you right upside the damn head. But! I would like offer this perspective...life and relationships of all kinds ebb and they flow. It’s the natural life force if you will- what once felt hopeless may come back around if and when the timing cooperates. Letting people go or putting specific boundaries in place with certain people (even if in your own mind) can do wonders for our capacity to connect. I’ve noticed a tendency withing myself to dwell on friendships and relationships lost or that aren’t where I’d wish them to be and I get caught up in the grief of that. But simultaneously I/we seem to forget all opportunity for new or different connection or to emerge. If I think about it, every friendship that has fizzled, faded, ended abruptly- I dare to wager that someone else has unexpectedly shown up and exceeded my expectations or been better suited to meet my needs at that time. Things might different, sure, but it doesn’t mean it needs to be written off—you never know when that old friend may pop back up and be just what your heart and soul needs.
On Intimate Relationships: I've spent the latter part of my 20’s and early part of my 30’s dedicated to healing my life of the familial and intimate relationships that have damaged me. That being said, it’s a process that most likely doesn’t have an end. But I do believe it gets easier and freer as we take the time and care to heal ourselves and the areas of our lives that hold us back. It’s our responsibility to ourselves and to each other to invest in this. Writing is a pivotal part of that for me. No if’s ands or buts about it. I’ve been in counseling for the past year- albeit a serious covid-mandated hiatus, and this week I will begin again. More on this and what inspired this later, BUT what I’ve come to find the most peace and power is just that- BEGINNING AGAIN.
On Work Life Balance (7 min, shit shit shit): I’ll say this, it’s not just the ratio of time spent on location or logged on- but more importantly a ratio of mental/emotional COST vs. Mental/emotional GAIN. One of these should absolutely out weight the other by a vast majority. Drake said I best, “Know yourself, know your worth”. Be kind, but take no shit. Life is too short to be miserable or so stressed that you can’t take an honest shit. Yeah, I said that. You know what I’m talking about.
Please stay tuned for next week’s episode inside the mind of a snarky, sensitive, 30 something. It’s time for me to take my probiotics and milk thistle and retire to my bed chambers.
I'm a blogstar not a docta.
-Me
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