Accountability, what is that anyway?

Accountability & it's root, Integrity,  are values that I feel like I don't see a lot of these days especially from our generation.

What does accountability mean? What does it look like? Why is it important?

It comes down to integrity...which in simplest terms is following through on your word. Doing what you say, when you say you're going to do it. Easy right? Not always. There is no room for excuses in this space. It's black and white. Did you do it? Or not? Did you half ass it? Because kind of being in integrity is like kind of being pregnant. No.

Integrity is a value that many of us strive to embody in our lives but what many of us don't realize is that "re-hashing" the original plan or agreement to accommodate our circumstances is not in fact integrity. It is a cover up and a smokescreen for the fact that we are not actually exercising our integrity, conviction, or commitment. Does that make us bad people? No. But it makes us flawed people. We're not perfect and that means that sometimes we are going to need to re-commit ourselves and our intentions in order to produce on our word. If and when we fail, this warrants a sincere apology and a visible and tangible improvement in our behavior (and by improvement, I mean not letting it happen again). This is the only way to ensure that our relationships are respected and nurtured. We often fail to recognize this and tend to get frustrated that the more often we fail on our word, the less our word means. "What?! That's not fair!" "There was traffic!" "I couldn't help it!" "It was out of my control!" "My sisters best friends dog was sick and I had to help!" Sound familiar? These are called excuses and circumstances, and guess what? They're always going to be there and thus we must learn to anticipate and adapt rather than be the victim when our lives don't go as planned. When does life actually go as planned? You're not 5. You know this is unrealistic so stop acting like you were blindsided and had it not been for reasons #1- 47 you would have delivered. Be honest with yourself and be honest with people you care about, you owe them that. "Hey I'm sorry, being on time is something I really struggle with could you call me and help me stay on track?" or "I want you to know that I tend to over commit myself and I'm working on saying 'no' and it would help me if/when when I decline plans you supported me"..so on so forth. We're human, we're prone to mistakes, imperfection is in our blood so lets embrace our short comings and call it what it is. "Flakey", "unreliable", "not in integrity", "bologna", "something better came along". I know, these are not pleasant descriptions or how we like to think of ourselves, but the good news is we can change it.

Accountability: This is anticipating and taking responsibility for our actions and sometimes this is hard to do without the help of others. Do you have people in your life that call you out on your bullshit? How do you react to that? Oh, you don't have people like that? There's your first clue. You should. How else are you going to be the best version of yourself if you haven't surrounded yourself with people whose opinions you respect even when it's not what you want to hear? It's ok...you failed at something...you flaked out, you were late again, you hurt someone you really care about...that's the pits. Now what? I'll give you a hint it does not involve any of the following: sticking your tail between your legs and sulking, ignoring communication and hoping it just goes away, getting defensive and blaming circumstances....that's not accountability that's called cowardice. Make it right. Apologize. Recommit to your word. Recommit to your relationships. And damn it, do better next time. We all blow it sometimes don't compound the damage by retreating to your hobbit hole. It's going to be ok. Vulnerability, humility, honesty- these are all qualities that are attractive to others and make you a real human being . Don't run from them, call on them. Ask for grace and lose your defenses, you don't need them.

Seek out the people in your life that will hold you to what you say. These are the ones that are in your corner. They don't always tell you what you want to hear...because these are the people that care and coincidentally the ones that will grow you as a person. These are not the ones that encourage poor choices because they're making the same ones, or really don't give a shit because they're too self absorbed. They are not your friends. They are your cop-outs. When you embrace the integrity you know you have and begin to hold yourself accountable you won't need them anymore, and you won't want them either.

One of my mantras this year has and will continue to be:  Stand for myself, my feelings, and my relationships. (& I expect that that won't always be pretty or fun...but it will be true).

A conversation with a friend initially inspired this post and helped me to reflect on the importance of these values. He took a stand for himself and our friendship and called me out on something I had done that both hurt and disappointed him. I was totally caught off guard and sick over how I had made him feel. I was humbled and reassured by his honesty and inspired by his poise and sensitivity. Instead of beating myself up over it and moping around like a POS (which is something I would typically do) I focused my energy on how I was going to make it right and in turn I took a stand for myself and took advantage of an opportunity to show him who I really am and grow our friendship. It was a learning experience and has inspired me to address other opportunities for accountability within myself and others, because don't we all owe that to ourselves and each other? I think so.

...& let's not underestimate the power of "Accountability Partners" as silly as it may sound. I recently gained $40 from a dear friend because we made a commitment not to invest our time in people that we shouldn't...and while I'm sorry for her loss and have empathy for her struggle, I'm $40 richer and we're both a little wiser! ;)