Holding out for 'Plan A'

Alright. Its time. I've been working on this particular post in my head for a couple months now. Seriously. I've been putting it off, and putting it off...worried that I couldn't do it justice, or put into words what I want to say without sounding like a blubbering fool. But just like anything else I've written, blubbering fool or not, I just have to get it out there- speak my truth and share it as coherently or as incoherently as I can manage. So here it goes, bear with me...

I want to talk about a topic that I've titled 'Holding Out for Plan A' and what this means to me. (Annnnd I'm already emotional. Good thing I'm in Starbucks wearing my sunglasses and a hood, not drawing any attention to myself whatsoever, looking very discrete & artistic in the corner;) Ugh. Anyway.

When I say 'Plan A' what I mean in simplest terms is what I really want for my life. Sounds easy right? Wrong. At least not for this girl. This notion requires me to be honest with myself and in that I've realized just how fucking dishonest I've been. If you had asked me two, three, or even ten years ago what I wanted out of life I would have said something like "Well, I'm going to be a wild, liberal, and independent woman who lives in the city, who travels, who probably won't have children, and who sure as hell won't get married, and who devotes her life to ending the suffering of others worldwide, who shaves her head, who has tattoos, and who throws everything into the happiness of others at the expense of herself". Yeah, that sounds noble. "I'll just be a martyr I guess, good on me." HAHAHA. Fuck. I'm am laughing out loud at my own ridiculousness (Now I really look like a lunatic). So melodramatic. Notice how nowhere in any of that did I say "I want"...only that "I'm going to be". What I'm attempting to illustrate here and will probably struggle to explain is...just what kind of place that girl was in. It wasn't a good one, and it certainly wasn't a healthy one. It was a place of resignation. A place of defeat disguised as ambition. A self-fulfilling prophecy. 

I'll start from the beginning. I'm already tearful. I'm tempted to just shut my computer and go about my busy-ness...& save this for another day. BUT I won't. I've already done that too many times. So, like many little kids, I was a bright-eyed, social, and quirky little girl. Sweet, innocent, kind, and trusting. The world was my damn oyster and I was going to do it big. I was going to grow up, fall in love, get married, have babies, and be a mom. Just like my mom. I was going to have horses, and chickens, and puppies and kitties and I was going to live happily ever after. This compelled me, it made me happy, and it gave me purpose even as an itty-bitty thing. I was feisty, free-spirited, and I loved unconditionally, and without question. And then somewhere along the way, due to a number of unfortunate circumstances, painful memories, and repeated heartbreak I gave up on that future. My life wasn't going to look like that. It just wasn't in the cards for this kid. For as long as I can remember, life was painful, people were unkind, they hurt other people, and you couldn't trust them, not even the ones you thought you could...not even the ones whose love and trust was inherent and biological to you. And thus, I devised a 'Plan B' which was as far off from 'Plan A' as I could fathom, because maybe, just maybe, if I went about it right I could have that. It wasn't so bad, I could still be happy. It would just be a different kind of happy...a second rate kind of happy that didn't need anyone else to survive. Albeit a very sad & lonely happy, but that's still happy right? I had myself convinced. 

It makes sense. The defense of all defenses. Untouchable. 

Of course I went into the field I did (Social Work)...thinking if I threw myself into helping others heal that it would somehow heal me and that I could avoid confronting my own demons. I certainly didn't think that it would break me down so far that I wasn't sure I could ever get out of the hole I had dug for myself or the solitary future I was destined for. And I certainly didn't think that it would be exactly what I needed in order to learn how to say "Fuck that." This is not what I want. This is not who I am. I am not broken and IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY. And wouldn't you know, as soon as I started being truly honest and stopped reacting to myself as a broken and fragile person things began to change. Now, I'd be lying if I said that this "come to" was totally self-inspired. I am fortunate to have people in my life that love and care about me and pushed my boundaries when I needed it most (my mother for one)...because I know that big "Fuck Off" on my forehead doesn't exactly make me the most approachable or open person there ever was. But slowly, very slowly, I am learning and changing my reader board...because at the end of the day I'm still that little girl who loves fiercely and believes in the good. 

The last 3 years have been pivotal in my personal development, mostly in that I've gained so much clarity around the meaning I want my life to have, the person that I want to be, and the mom I want to be. Yeah I said it...MOM. I want to be a mom more than anything. And I want to be a fucking good one. (Sorry (not so sorry) I say the F word a lot, it's   therapeutic, try it). For the record, My Plan A includes the following: falling in love, getting married, having babies, being the backbone of a beautiful family, and having horses, and chickens, and puppies and kitties (& retirement, can't forget retirement:) The simple things, that's what lights me up. I'm not even going to defend that, because I don't have to. That's what ambition looks like to me, and it's real as it comes. These are the same things my mom wanted, that her mother wanted, that my 5 year old self wanted, and that my 26 year old self wants. Brutal honesty, and having the right people in my corner has gotten me to this place of hope and reality. I'm still working on it, and probably always will be but I've learned a valuable lesson: The power in taking responsibility for my life is one that cannot be taken from me, or rivaled. I've said it before...I'm not a Plan B girl and while I may have lost sight of that for a good portion of my young life, I see so clearly that it would be silly and unfair of me to give up on Plan A now...& I.Thank.God. for this understanding. 

I'm 26, not 96 for crying out loud...if I'm 96 and still sitting in the corner at Starbucks in my solar shields writing about my hopes and dreams...maybe I'll reevaluate things. Maybe. But until then...I'm holding out for 'Plan A' and like my friend Natasha has always said to me (usually as a result of getting caught in a moment of quirkiness)... "Someday someone is going to love me for that". I believe that.

And someday, someone is going to love YOU for your Plan A, whatever it is, for who you are, and what you stand for. Stop running, stop punishing yourself, & let yourself have the things you really want. It starts with believing that you can and that you deserve them. Cling close to the people and things in your life that put you in touch with your heart of hearts, and let go of what does not.

Don't you dare sell out.